Goodbye to John

And at last the final chapter has closed on John's time here. It was far too short and, in hindsight, it passed in the blink of an eye. But, boy, did he pack a lot in! He lived with joy and with passion and with drive. He worked hard and he set himself goals which he achieved, whether it was running the London marathon (twice) or completing all 12 rounds of chemo.

His final goal was to be at home until the end, which we were able to make happen for him. He began his final journey late evening on 19th November, having reached 1 year and 2 days since his diagnosis, which feels like a milestone but which will in time become a statistic on the survival rates of goblet cell carcinoma of the appendix. For someone who could not undergo surgery to remove any of the disease he did amazingly well, and far exceeded our expectations - a testament to his ambition and strength of character, and thanks in no small part to his physical fitness.

The evening was spent reading to him, reciting his favourite psalm (23) then talking to him quietly about good times and how much love had come his way. I reassured him that it was time and he was going to be alright. He went in peace, wrapped in my arms with all the love in the world to see him off. He looked like he was smiling and so we can hope that he was taken by gentle hands to guide his way.

23 - A Psalm of David

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

The amazing thing is that the world did not end - life goes on. The new day will come whether we want it to or not, and we must allow oursleves to be swept up with the dawn and try and keep our hearts open to opportunities and to the beauty around us and to hope. I don't know if I am there yet, but John would not want me to be maudlin. He spoke of bridges back to me and keeping in touch, and I think maybe the day he left the glen was a message to me from him. It was the first stunningly sunny day since he made the decision to begin end of life care a month earlier. The sunshine was bright and strong and warm and the air was crisp. A flurry of snow later on followed by the golden hour of sunshine on the hillside opposite the house made me stop in my tracks to admire it and to feel John close by.

I already knew I have some very special people in my life too, and they were stars that day - they spent time on the phone with me, talking, listening, reassuring but without ceremony and without pity, which is just what I needed. And they also made me smile, and that meant the world to me - it reminded me that there is still happiness to be found, even on the darkest of all days. I will be eternally thankful to those people.

The Beauty of Death XIV by Khalil Gibran

Part One - The Calling

Let me sleep, for my soul is intoxicated with love and

Let me rest, for my spirit has had its bounty of days and nights;

Light the candles and burn the incense around my bed, and

Scatter leaves of jasmine and roses over my body;

Embalm my hair with frankincense and sprinkle my feet with perfume,

And read what the hand of Death has written on my forehead.

Let me rest in the arms of Slumber, for my open eyes are tired;

Let the silver-stringed lyre quiver and soothe my spirit;

Weave from the harp and lute a veil around my withering heart.

Sing of the past as you behold the dawn of hope in my eyes, for

It's magic meaning is a soft bed upon which my heart rests.

Dry your tears, my friends, and raise your heads as the flowers

Raise their crowns to greet the dawn.

Look at the bride of Death standing like a column of light

Between my bed and the infinite;

Hold your breath and listen with me to the beckoning rustle of 

Her white wings. 

Come close and bid me farewell; touch my eyes with smiling lips. 

Let the children grasp my hands with soft and rosy fingers; 

Let the aged place their veined hands upon my head and bless me; 

Let the virgins come close and see the shadow of God in my eyes, 

And hear the echo of His will racing with my breath. 

Part Two - The Ascending 

I have passed a mountain peak and my soul is soaring in the 

Firmament of complete and unbound freedom; 

I am far, far away, my companions, and the clouds are 

Hiding the hills from my eyes. 

The valleys are becoming flooded with an ocean of silence, and the 

Hands of oblivion are engulfing the roads and the houses; 

The prairies and fields are disappearing behind a white spectre 

That looks like the spring cloud, yellow as the candlelight 

And red as the twilight. 

The songs of the waves and the hymns of the streams 

Are scattered, and the voices of the throngs reduced to silence; 

And I can hear naught but the music of Eternity 

In exact harmony with the spirit's desires. 

I am cloaked in full whiteness; 

I am in comfort; I am in peace. 

Part Three - The Remains 

Unwrap me from this white linen shroud and clothe me 

With leaves of jasmine and lilies; 

Take my body from the ivory casket and let it rest 

Upon pillows of orange blossoms. 

Lament me not, but sing songs of youth and joy; 

Shed not tears upon me, but sing of harvest and the winepress; 

Utter no sigh of agony, but draw upon my face with your 

Finger the symbol of Love and Joy. 

Disturb not the air's tranquillity with chanting and requiems, 

But let your hearts sing with me the song of Eternal Life; 

Mourn me not with apparel of black, 

But dress in colour and rejoice with me; 

Talk not of my departure with sighs in your hearts; close 

Your eyes and you will see me with you forevermore. 

Place me upon clusters of leaves and 

Carry my upon your friendly shoulders and 

Walk slowly to the deserted forest. 

Take me not to the crowded burying ground lest my slumber 

Be disrupted by the rattling of bones and skulls. 

Carry me to the cypress woods and dig my grave where violets 

And poppies grow not in the other's shadow; 

Let my grave be deep so that the flood will not 

Carry my bones to the open valley; 

Let my grace be wide, so that the twilight shadows 

Will come and sit by me. 

Take from me all earthly raiment and place me deep in my 

Mother Earth; and place me with care upon my mother's breast. 

Cover me with soft earth, and let each handful be mixed 

With seeds of jasmine, lilies and myrtle; and when they 

Grow above me, and thrive on my body's element they will 

Breathe the fragrance of my heart into space; 

And reveal even to the sun the secret of my peace; 

And sail with the breeze and comfort the wayfarer. 

Leave me then, friends - leave me and depart on mute feet, 

As the silence walks in the deserted valley; 

Leave me to God and disperse yourselves slowly, as the almond 

And apple blossoms disperse under the vibration of Nisan's breeze. 

Go back to the joy of your dwellings and you will find there 

That which Death cannot remove from you and me. 

Leave this place, for what you see here is far away in meaning 

From the earthly world. Leave me.